Friday, June 8, 2007

lever not laver, thought laver

Dear World at large and small,

Tomorrow begins Atlanta. Our plane leaves at 1:48. We will arrive in Atlanta to stay at the home of one chantiligent. WHo knows what shall happen. I hope I can make this a somewhat enlightening post to this process. Honesty. And honestly I am somewhat sleepy after heving gone through numerous evolutions of formatting this bloggo loggo business. Its been up here for a while but I have not been making posts. Now is a good time though. I just now had a flashback to this street in Senegal which turned off of the street of my homestay and walking along that street with my camera. And I remember near all the photos I took along that stretch. One was a picture of a garbage can, a partially closed trashbag that had both a combination of a halfway or mostly eaten mango, the skin lazily dredged, with a couple of flies and some black hair weave. Fruit and hair weave. Two things that normally do not interact on a daily basis, but will find their daring commingling in any ole common garbage can.. That was an aside.. a memory. So the test of flight and the test of life which is no test at all. No test at all so long as I will die one day. I hope that I can continue to do things that mean something to me. Sometimes that means not so much abandonement but walking full forward into the self, but also pretty much into the world. So with this project I guess aspects of it are going to be my senior thesis, and I have some plans in the works for other outlets, but since I left ole Middletown, CT, OLE Wesleyan U nigh on two weels ago I've been following a seedy path, a seeded path into which I can only plant my own feet. I can only plant my own, know one else can plant their feet in my stead, no one can walk this walk, even if I don't precisely know where I'm walking to. All I've had is the feeling, that I can search, half the time I do not even know what to call it. If I do get to steady on what anything is.. well I don't know folks,. I don't know Intisar, as I am pretty much talking to my own self here as well.. I've lost my train of thought.. it is rather late.. all I'm saying is.. here I am on this endeavor.. ha. the word endeavor..and I know its going to happen, it is happening. I can say that with certainty particularly as I tired here and some of my backup functions are kicking in and sometimes those or good. Your backup functions certainly save you. You continue to breathe you know. Kelly, a good dancer friend said in class one day "the body always knows" and this is true.. there are functions of our existence that don't need calculating, there are parts of the human self, that does not need to make itself be and if we could listen to these parts of ourselves (nod to Chantiligent therein) I believe we can get to where we are going. This is a work in progress. This is a play in progress. This blog I will not scrape over for calamities.. This is not a proposal or inquiry..This will be my full out thoughts about this project and my life in relation to it. I will say I've been thinkign of this non-stop for months now, so you all will get alot in this land, this space here that will be full of words and listening.. or contemplation and questions. Please know that I do not yet have all the answers to this quest.. that I'll be churning them all along, but I will post the findings and the questions, the unfindings which is not a word.. i will post the false starts and the fast jumps. I will post some of the doubts so that see how we can mpve past those places into dreaming and realization of the dream. That's what this is about. Discovering the very quality, the very texture of the way we as humans bring our dreams out of that "swiftly tilting.." turning space of starry nebula into a brilliantly burning sun.. that will burn the living daylights out of all of your previous expectations of what could possibly ever be real. But it is! And you are! It is because you are and too I am. Sometimes it helps me to talk to other people. Usually I am saying things with a clarity and an intention sometimes I neglect to reserve for myslef with wholeheartedness. Do we as people believe we are real. It is easy to believe someone else is real because we see them, but the self is another matter. While being engaged with our own selves so intimately there is also a seeming distance, almost perhaps that with the intensity, the many ways we experience our own existences perfectly that we are so close we sometimes believe we cannot see ourselves or ... we are so close to oursleves who can vaildate us but our own self. If you trust yourself emphatically and your judgement on your judgment of decision then.. man i am so sleepy.. I hope this is halfway understandable.. if not it'll be edited by tomorra. I AM so sleepy. I must go, but this is a beginning.

Laters naturally

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