Thursday, June 28, 2007

on the vernacular of flight- and speaking self languages

i want to lay my hand here. i want to lay my hand here right across this page..

perhaps in red, perhaps those lines imprinted.. would that say everything that
must ever need be said

i guess i want to lay my heart here too. maybe. can you lay your heart out across a glowing screen.

i keep being told that when i talk it is big, i keep being told that sometimes it is too much to understand..
maybe there are places for things that seem too big or not quite real enough for understanding

i guess we connect to each other through words and through sounds.. i guess we speak with our mouths

maybe everything that is real is all very abstract and everything abstract real

i have always been involved with the things that are not quite real yet
i have always been involved with the unspoken sounds
that leak themselves out of your eyes at a given moment
that come to you at the creases of your existences

i have always been involved with the liminal moment
that moment before something just not quite yet, is

i was born in those moments perhaps
been wrassling withem ever since the beginning
turning licks and thought over in my mind, telling the same old words to myself
till i could push them past that wetness of lip waiting for me on the otherside
maybe i have been clogged, maybe the years worth of words
left me stewing brining away till what was once new turned in on itself
blew to the greatest proportions
amassed internal strength, turning over like the tumble weed
internal pressure and gas roiling over itself
i do not know how to speak
i cannot speak all the words that were given to me
they amassed themselves stopped at the door
and ever after we birth a new kind of species
i am no anomaly
we all have our superpowers

how do we run the muck and run amuck
where do we find the presence of clarity
maybe we all have our own way of speaking ourselves into existence
and not all will and can be understood

and that is ok.. sometimes i sit around myself and wonder if i will and ever can make
myself understood to the world
not a pat on the back
but geez, where resides the right way to be.. maybe i am not quite matching today..maybe i do need to get a shape up, maybe i stutter and maybe no one will quite understand the words coming out of my mouth
maybe i am angular with too skinny legs and too wide hips
maybe i will never be right on time
but i think i have something that supersedes these notions
shoot, maybe even rides within them
maybe we will all keep walking throughout our inequities
the lost loves, the etc. etc. the block that just did not fit
that left over letter in the alphabet
maybe we are those leftovers the things that do not fit past the last fitting
i feel quite fine actually
i feel quite fine actually
i will speak anyway

so today was solid.. you can feel the ripening beginning even when the fruit is
not quite
yet ready for eating..
did some real solid work
seeing something coming into out of the.. umm not real places
out of the mind
maybe not all is completely as imagined, but that is part of it
always twisting forth into new knowledge
beginning a round of new interviews
and a crop of ideas to push push forth the shining baby
this time involved two smashed cars
a travel agent heading on with a hammerhead shark
ummm.. yeah
stories.. these are all stories
refining our questions.. refining our approach.. refining the interview process
refining our selling skills
we are learning how to be sellers.. i mean learning how to open and close the deal..
learning how to say affirmatively...

"Will you contribute to The People Could Fly?"
"Will you purchase a book?"
"Will you make a contribution?"

From personal experience sometimes we are afraid to ask exactly for the things we want.
We are afraid to set ourselves out there. We are even sometimes afraid to speak the word money. I mean yes we want it.. but being affirmative about that desire as well.

So this idea, it began as one of those abstract things.. a mix and mush of feelings, insight, and ideas.
I set it rolling. I wrote emails. I told my family about it. I connected with like-minded people and those who were not like-minded but had something special about themselves going.
But foremost I set the idea rolling in my own mind.. I breathed it..
AND set it out spinning into the world, blowing it with my own breath and kind of knowing it will pick up the winds of others, it will be eddied..

whooo.. sometimes you will reach what will seem to be a rough patch.. where you think.. where I think I am not moving.. I am not moving physically at this precise movement.. but I know I am churning, gathering up momentum... but let me stop.. I know I'm getting abstract here.

Learning the art of opening and closing the deal. Learning how to not just be a consumer, but a producer.

I've been buying things all my life. Sometimes breaking into the realm where you are on the other side of the equation can appear difficult, but so many do it. It is, I believe, a way we are viewing ourselves.

Though I've had many viable services and skills, often I have viewed myself as an amateur even though I've been studying these mediums for years, put time and energy into them.

Sometimes if people would ask me for my photos I would give them for free or not attach much value to them.. thinking this is just something I'm doing. Often I felt it would be morally wrong to ask for money or compensation. Opportunities when I could have received compensated when I just did not follow up.

Something my mother asked me today was.. what did I think was the consequence for black people in America for once being thought of as property and not as owners. What was the physical and emotional .. residue of that.. where we worked and received nothing back?
How did we carry over thoughts of money.. value (self worth and also property value). Where does that figure in us? Is it deep?

Do we value our presence and our talents and our goals, not simply as I'm grateful for having them, but that they can and should support my living..

this has been a challenge and this is the learning process I am undergoing in relation to this project...
I can make it happen from my dreams, which are free, which are a primal primal power..

do you ever think about the dreams of people before you and those who will come after...

perhaps we all looked up at a night sky and were amazed.. perhaps we all had ideas and thoughts flashing through our minds whether our eyes were open or whether they were closed?
and too what is the residue of that .. that golden sleep dust.. i don't know really.. but i feel it .. i believe..

but yes i can make this happen from dreams.. but dreams take form.. they come together from the matter in the world.. perhaps we shepherd them through will and intention..

a wise dude recently told me that.. realization (though perhaps he used a different word) is
a function of time and effort.. sometimes we must move with intention and

but yeah
formulating that dream into action and money which is a form of action

and all of us who do not have money ( myself included.. actually myself first.. i only can speak for myself).. perhaps we must move past the guilt or ideas of money as bad.. to be able to attain it substantially .. i mean i believe i deserve some.. i should have some.. you should too.. yes!

kindly take my writings as my motion.. as we learn all things in time

intisar-- waiting period... in farsi

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