Sunday, September 2, 2007

on what has happened

sowhat adifference a picture makes. here i am. its 2:15. I haven't updated in a minute,
almost in a week perhaps and some newness is necessary, on its way not all today..
not all today by far..
but you ever do something and just not have anything to say yet, not have anything to tell,
just not ready because maybe you don't even fully know what's up yet or you.. or maybe its just not something you can tell yet.. there being lots of ways to know or experience and sometimes just telling, like if i were to try to tell for the sake of telling, and this is such a telling place, this is such a telling landscape.. like i am to tell you what's happening and update you and myself with pictures and words and bring a sort of energy to this place. oh, things are bubbling. they are exciting and colorful, can i show you what's next, can i wrap an experience onto this platform and yes it will be beautiful maybe and maybe some posts will be more evocative than others, but as long as i keep going.. i wonder if this can be a listening place as well,
like you know those stone, those garden or lawn people, their bodies are short and stout and they are of one stone and they are sitting with their legs pulled to their bodies and their heads tucked into the space between their legs. sometimes it is a female. sometimes they have a hat on and sometimes they don't. like these kind of stone people, they are are listening. they sit there and with their weight, their presence they do not take exactly but absorb the underpinnings, the secret flow of sound and the extra juiceof experience floating around, they stabilize a place, almost like a sponge, bringing the weight of emotions, sight, and memory down. The stability in the belly or the hips or the bent legs readying and springing for a jumpoff. I thought I would have something to say. Most of this summer I have been wanting to have something to say and I have. But then sometimes you don't and there is nothing to say, but listen or absorb slowly the secret juices that sift around you, the between matter, the holding substances, the clever broth or brew, that is life
and experience and not knowing and finding out and not knowing what to do about anything and not really being able to. Today I reached several points where I just did not know what to do.. like not in the way of i had something i was searching for an answer to.. but one of the moments where for the moment you just don't know what to possibly do with the present experience of living..
I've been sleeping alot too.. taking these really long day naps and waking up from them and in the morning with this feeling like I just have to do something.. that i have to burn. like jump the jump rope over myself. I have to share it or there's something that has to be said. It's in my dreams really, it's in my dreams every time since i got back from the non-stop and i just can't speak on that yet.. just can't focus it yet.. try to focus it into some words that won't serve it, or carveout something that isn't ready to be shaped, still spreading and pooling and wakening in my landscape..i believe i am still out there there listening to the aftereffects, the ... watching thecomposition of phenomena and .. goddangit some kinda experience..some kinda experience thing like not reading in my book or from my reader, but geez friggin life punching me in the guts, not really hurting really, but can't write a paper on it and turn it in to the prof and pretend like i care or if i do care, not really care what happens to it afterwards and forget it, maybe not even check the grade, particularly if its the end of the sem and i already know what grade i mighta got, and so maybe i just forget to pick up that paper from the box outside the office or something.... but yea this isn'tlike that so..
but my dreams i'm having are pretty much telling me i have to do something, like i wake up everytime pretty much jumping up and revved for something i don't yet know what or why, but kind of with a .. with a something and i can't quite remember the substance of these dreams like i usually do. when i can tell what happened to.. we'll see.. i don't know how much more later.
don't know how much more soon
i want a banana.. suddenly
-intisar.. do you ever temporarily want to call yourself a different name

No comments:

Post a Comment